Happy new year

Happy new year, dear.
It's another new year. Too many things happened in 2015. Witness the birth of our precious babies and also the most heartbreaking, to let you go.
Tonight I bring jie jie for the fireworks at the open field. Things we used to do in the past. Counting down at our room's window and watch the fireworks. We will end up with hugging each other and wish each other Happy New Year.
This year I bring jie jie to the view instead. She was really excited.
Do you still remember how timid she was that she always cry when the fireworks started?
But this time she has changed. She has really grown up. She watched it with awe. Our little girl has grown up. I hope she can grow up to be a strong girl.

It was quite a crowd out there. Families are together, celebrating the changing of the year. Yet I cant help myself but breakdown instead. The more crowd there are, the more lonely I feel. There is a missing piece in me that makes me feel so incomplete. How I wish you were here. How I wish that I can hug you for the last time. How I wish I can smell you for the last time. How I wish I can tell you how much I love you. It's just too late. Just like what you used to tell me. It's just too late.

I know I should be happy that you are free from suffering. You are in a better place. I should learn how to let go. But it hurts. It really hurts. My heart was broken into pieces and there is a missing piece now. I can't find it back. Things won't be the same anymore. I still try to hang on. I still wish for the impossible.

People say time will heal. But honestly, it's getting tougher. It's so tough till I can't breathe. A stone was placed on the chest. It's so heavy till I can't breathe.

I no longer have interest in anything. I just live like a soulless cause my other half has gone. I am so sorry for taking you for granted. I am so sorry for letting you lead such a miserable life. I am sorry that I never cherish you. I am sorry that I never love you enough. I am sorry that I never give you the happiness that you long for.

You live a tough life. You give love but never get the return. You are well loved by others but not from your own family. You must have felt so frustrated till you don't have the will to live on. I can totally feel you now. I am so sorry that I have been neglecting your feeling all these while. I have been so selfish. I am so sorry. There won't be enough apology can lessen the guilt I have in me.

They say I need to learn to forgive myself so that I can move on. I try to but each memory makes me feel more and more guilty. The more I think of it, the more I hate myself. Why must have you met me and love me? You deserve someone better. If you never met me, you wont end up in this way.

Good people always leave first and you are one of them. Your good karma release you from all these misery and yet I am still holding on not to let you go. Aren't I selfish? Isn't it enough for you to suffer with me all these while? It's time to let you go. It's time. But I'm just not ready.

When you are around, I always assume I can live by myself. I don't need you. But I was so wrong. Really wrong. Now I can tell you, I can't. I can't live without you. You are the reason why I can be strong. You are the reason why I can do what I can't do. You are the reason that I can be strong.

Now you are no longer around, my world collapsed. Suddenly I feel so scared. Every single thing gives me a fright. I do not dare to explore the unknown. I remember your saying that you are the one who always pay for the mistake that I did. I was so mad at you when you say this. I always assume I am the correct one. Now I realized, I dare to do what I never do or can't , it's because I know you are always be my pillar. My support. No matter what I did, you will always be there to protect me.
Now who is going to protect me? Who is going to be my pillar? I really do not have the courage to go on. I am so scared. I am really scared.

I don't know how will I move on. I maybe will never move on. I love you. I really do. I wish I can show you more love. There are so many regrets in my heart. We might never be together again. You are my love. You will always be in my heart. You will always be the reminder that I should not take others for granted. I shall be brave for the sake of our children.

May you are born in a better life. If we were to meet again, I just want to thank you for loving me and I am really sorry that I have been letting you down. If I were to meet you again, I really want to hug you tight. I miss you. I really miss you.

Move on

Dear,
Today I drove mom to JB and did you know there has been changes in the custom clearance process? I went for car servicing and grocery shopping as usual. When I drove through the familiar road, all memories just flashed back. How we explore new road, new destinations when we just bought our car. How we always drive weekly just to visit some new places. How we hunt for good food.
Now there are more and more new eateries but nobody to share. Suddenly I lost interest in everything, every single thing. I only know I miss you so much, so so much that it hurts. It really hurts.
I always thought I am so capable, I can live without you. But I am so wrong, so wrong. You are the reason that I am strong, you are the reason that I am surviving. Without you, what should I do???

People keep telling me, time heals. But as time goes by, the pain is getting more and more real. Every single breath is painful.

I know I should let you go as you are in better place now but the selfish me really wish I can hug you for one more time.

I love you, dear. Really really love you till it hurts. It really hurts.

Happy 15th Anniversary, my dear

Happy 15th Anniversary , my dear.
Today supposed to be our 15th wedding anniversary. But you are no longer around to celebrate together. Thank you for being there for me all these while. I have been taking you for granted.
So many sweet memories that we had before. All memories just non stop show up in my mind.
I love you, I really do.
You are the one that show me what love is and make me have the courage to make the biggest decision in my life.
You are the reason that I become strong. But how I wish I can just be a "little woman". Being love and pampered. You know how I long for all those. You know how I miss all those. Now there wont be any chance that I can feel it one more time.
I love you, I really do.
I miss you so much. So much till it hurts. It hurts and I dunno how long to ease the pain.
It bleeds and I wish you were here to ease the pain.
I know it's not possible but yet I keep hanging on the hope. The single hope that it is just a nightmare and things going to be alright.
I should be happy that you are in a better place. Free from all sufferings. But I still long for your presence. I still can't let go.
Tell me how....

I love you and I always will....

Single journey starts...

This blog marks the beginning of my journey as a single parent. I loss my dear husband on 18th Nov'15, which was just 3 weeks ago from the time I am writing this blog.
I am writing this blog to help myself in grieving, to pick up myself and continue my life journey.
I am 36 this year. My birthday is 2 days shy from my hubby's demise. It's the biggest birthday 'present' that I ever had in my life. I dun think I will ever celebrate my birthday anymore.
My hubby was 41 when he passed away suddenly, collapsed at workplace. He has been feeling unwell for some time but yet refuse to go for treatment. On the day he passed away, it seem he already had a feeling that he was not feeling well. He was supposed to go for a site meeting but instead of driving, he chose to take cab instead, which very much unlike him.
It was when he returned from the meeting and alight from cab, things happened. He was still chatting with his colleagues and all of sudden, he had collapsed and gasping for breath.
I was informed by his colleagues that he had fainted. Initially I thought he just passed out due to not feeling well. But even after 15 minutes later, I was told he was still unconscious. That was when I knew something was not right.
I prayed to God to save him, let him be cured and I am more than willing to take care of him, even till the end of his life. But God loves him more. I never seen him alive for the last time. He just left without a word. Until today it's still so painful. So so painful.
When I saw him lying on the operating table, with all the equipment to resuscitate him, I totally dunno how to react. I still can remember the scene till now. It was so painful to remember.
It was so painful. I remember touching his ice cold and pale hands, calling out to motionless him.
That scene is so painful. So painful to remember.
I remember the chill that sends me shiver. How I wish he was there, hugging me tightly, and telling me everything is going to be alright. How I wish!!!
Things never gonna be the same again.