Happy new year

Happy new year, dear.
It's another new year. Too many things happened in 2015. Witness the birth of our precious babies and also the most heartbreaking, to let you go.
Tonight I bring jie jie for the fireworks at the open field. Things we used to do in the past. Counting down at our room's window and watch the fireworks. We will end up with hugging each other and wish each other Happy New Year.
This year I bring jie jie to the view instead. She was really excited.
Do you still remember how timid she was that she always cry when the fireworks started?
But this time she has changed. She has really grown up. She watched it with awe. Our little girl has grown up. I hope she can grow up to be a strong girl.

It was quite a crowd out there. Families are together, celebrating the changing of the year. Yet I cant help myself but breakdown instead. The more crowd there are, the more lonely I feel. There is a missing piece in me that makes me feel so incomplete. How I wish you were here. How I wish that I can hug you for the last time. How I wish I can smell you for the last time. How I wish I can tell you how much I love you. It's just too late. Just like what you used to tell me. It's just too late.

I know I should be happy that you are free from suffering. You are in a better place. I should learn how to let go. But it hurts. It really hurts. My heart was broken into pieces and there is a missing piece now. I can't find it back. Things won't be the same anymore. I still try to hang on. I still wish for the impossible.

People say time will heal. But honestly, it's getting tougher. It's so tough till I can't breathe. A stone was placed on the chest. It's so heavy till I can't breathe.

I no longer have interest in anything. I just live like a soulless cause my other half has gone. I am so sorry for taking you for granted. I am so sorry for letting you lead such a miserable life. I am sorry that I never cherish you. I am sorry that I never love you enough. I am sorry that I never give you the happiness that you long for.

You live a tough life. You give love but never get the return. You are well loved by others but not from your own family. You must have felt so frustrated till you don't have the will to live on. I can totally feel you now. I am so sorry that I have been neglecting your feeling all these while. I have been so selfish. I am so sorry. There won't be enough apology can lessen the guilt I have in me.

They say I need to learn to forgive myself so that I can move on. I try to but each memory makes me feel more and more guilty. The more I think of it, the more I hate myself. Why must have you met me and love me? You deserve someone better. If you never met me, you wont end up in this way.

Good people always leave first and you are one of them. Your good karma release you from all these misery and yet I am still holding on not to let you go. Aren't I selfish? Isn't it enough for you to suffer with me all these while? It's time to let you go. It's time. But I'm just not ready.

When you are around, I always assume I can live by myself. I don't need you. But I was so wrong. Really wrong. Now I can tell you, I can't. I can't live without you. You are the reason why I can be strong. You are the reason why I can do what I can't do. You are the reason that I can be strong.

Now you are no longer around, my world collapsed. Suddenly I feel so scared. Every single thing gives me a fright. I do not dare to explore the unknown. I remember your saying that you are the one who always pay for the mistake that I did. I was so mad at you when you say this. I always assume I am the correct one. Now I realized, I dare to do what I never do or can't , it's because I know you are always be my pillar. My support. No matter what I did, you will always be there to protect me.
Now who is going to protect me? Who is going to be my pillar? I really do not have the courage to go on. I am so scared. I am really scared.

I don't know how will I move on. I maybe will never move on. I love you. I really do. I wish I can show you more love. There are so many regrets in my heart. We might never be together again. You are my love. You will always be in my heart. You will always be the reminder that I should not take others for granted. I shall be brave for the sake of our children.

May you are born in a better life. If we were to meet again, I just want to thank you for loving me and I am really sorry that I have been letting you down. If I were to meet you again, I really want to hug you tight. I miss you. I really miss you.