It has been over a month that I did not write anything on this blog. Time flies. It flies in a blink of eye. How am I coping? I try not to think about you. Try not to relate anything to you. Tough but I manage to pass by another month without you.
This year is the first Chinese New Year without you. Ever since you are no longer around, there is no longer festive mood in the house. The fireworks are back to our neighbourhood for one more time.
The show was incredible and it lasted for a good 15 minutes.
I try not to dampen Celine's mood for the festive. She had been looking forward to the fireworks. Did you know she's no longer scared of fireworks? She used to be a scaredy cat but now she has grown up. She loves fireworks and lion dance now. She enjoyed the performance.
Recently I have been having hard time with her. I know she's trying to be her best but some how she always managed to make me angry and end up with scolding. I know deep inside she's quite affected by your demise. She has been telling my friend that she missed you. We make it a weekly event to visit your niche and offer prayers to you. I hope this will add merit to you and you will be reborn in a better world.
I try not to face my feelings. I buried it deep. But there is always something that will trigger my memory of you. Until now all your belongings are still at its original place. Just now when I dig for some documents, I saw all those your promotion letters, your award certificates. In the past, I am very proud of you. I don't know since when I started to lose that feeling towards you. All I feel is hatred and jealous. Yes, jealous. I am so jealous of your achievement. I am so jealous of your capability. You always strive for the best and achieve your goal. But yet because of my jealousy, your future is ruined. I am a total opposite of you. I am such a failure. Always procrastinate and stop half way. Never achieve any of my goal. But I always put the blame on you.
You have wasted your life by choosing me. I don't know if this will make me feel any better.
Since you are gone, I become a timid. I do not dare to do lots of things. Even the horror show that we used to watch together, now I totally do not have the guts to watch. I have no one to fall to when it scares me. I have noone to hug me when it's too gross for me.
Dear, I miss you so so much. I know I have been wasting your life. But you know it makes me realised how much I need you. How childish I am. I wish it was just a dream and I could make it up all over again. I will treasure and cherish you. I would love to spend the rest of my life and stay old with you. I never know how much you love me until you leave me. I really miss you. I'm sure you are in a better world by now.
I would try my best to give the children the best. I hope you can always guide me no matter where you are now.
I love you and will always do.
No comments:
Post a Comment